hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
