The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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