I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
