24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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