i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
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