God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
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There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
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There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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