He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
