She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
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OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
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My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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