I met the friendliest cop last night
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
