That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
