So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my shit smells like andre
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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