I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
