he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
