Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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