i think my tv is drunk
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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