Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
