That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
