I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.