The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Dick very happy bro
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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