Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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