if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
