You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
