Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
BRING THE BAGELS
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
