Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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