I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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