its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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