I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
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She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
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It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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