I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
