What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
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Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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