Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
