I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
