I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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