Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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