i was born a porn star she said
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
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He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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