Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
