On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
