What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
