Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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