Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
