I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
