I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I think I sprained my soul last night
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
