i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
