and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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