I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
