I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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