Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
