I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
