He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
