yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
