he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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