cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
