It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
