I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I am available for nakedness
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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