i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
