True but thats because hes a fetus.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
