My room smells like vodka and shame
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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