I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
